sharing the news NYD 2010

Last nights shift was cut short. I couldn't think straight and was certainly in no state to be running a bar. I left and went to the only place I thought would distract me. The OB. there I would find friends, distractions and comfort if I fell apart.

Baby Daddy is there when I arrive, he pretends not to see me walk in because he's busy talking to people I really dont associate with.

I order an orange juice and join some friends by the barrel. I stick closely to an old friend who knows what I’ve been up to and stay fairly quiet. Its minutes to midnight and Baby Daddy pulls me aside to justify his actions. “I’m not ready to tell the world what we’ve been up to”  He says, and that’s FINE BY ME!! He has an ex that never really left the scene and I’m certainly not looking for a reputation. (Although I got one anyway).

Midnight rolls around and Baby Daddy lets me down by breaking a promise to join me in welcoming in the new year. He heads over after the madness dies down and toasts the group... “to 2010 being a hell of a lot better than 2009” he says as he charges his glass. I hang me head and stay very quiet. This doesn’t feel like the place I should be and my friend offers to join me in a car park picnic by our local maccas.

We sit in the dark and I blurt out my secret. He nearly chokes but stays very calm and very supportive. He offers to help in any way he can and promises to stand by any choice I make. Choice? People call this a choice?

I head home for some rest. HA! what a joke. People always say to enjoy the rest while you can but I tell you what... There was no rest from that moment on. Nights filled with constant thinking... even in my sleep my dreams haunted me with my new situation and the possible outcomes.

I head to work and do my shift in a daze calling mum in my lunch break. She's due to head over for a visit with dad any minute and she's going to know something is up. If i dont tell her now, I'll have to tell them both when they get there. No way! She stays very calm and promises to tell dad and keep him calm for their visit. It's a quick hello and my new situation isnt mentioned. They are giving me time to digest it and are doing the same themselves.

I drive home numb, change my clothes and head out to meet baby daddy. He doesn't show. I'd say now that, had I not had to tell him I was pregnant, I'd probably have never seen him again from this point. I call him and insist he lets me visit immediately. He reluctantly agrees and I head to his place (or more so his parents place).

We head outside and I ask him to sit. He wont. theres no sugar coating it so I tell him straight... Im pregnant. His response? "whats that got to do with me?" the look on my face must have pulled him back into line because he retracted that statement very quickly and decided it was best he sat.

I don't know who's more embarrssed about his next statement because it really shows how bad my judgement was on this one... "It can't be mine, I smoke way to much weed to get your pregnant, that makes you sterile right?" really baby daddy, really????

We sit in silence fora minute and he breaks the pause with his next statement, which helps me to understand the kind of family I'm dealing with... "but we have no house, marriage.... I live with my folks, I cant be a dad" Ok so I now know, baby daddy isn't going to handle this well and I dont think his family are going to handle it at all.

I later find out thats the truth because his little sister gets pregnant a few weeks later and is married before her second trimester is over.

I've made no decisions and make that very clear. i want to do what right for all of us so I tell Baby daddy I need time to process.

We meet a couple more time over the next few weeks. I see councellors and a shrink to help me understand the full weight of my decisions and decided there is no choice. not for me... Abortion isn't an option I'm willing to take. I'm not against it! It's just not right for me.

It kills me that Baby Daddy isnt happy. I want this to be ok for us all. I promise to let him make his own choices about the issue and not stand in the way of the decisions he makes. I promise to do everything I can to make it easy on him because I feel like my choice isnt fair. They say its up to us both but what choice does he have when we disagree. I feel terrible and continue to see my shrink. I'm told over and over to accept my choice as mine but I feel sick that he feels betrayed. I dont everything I can from now on to make him see I'm not doing this to spite him. I dont HAVE to justify myself but I find myself doing it anyway.

Baby Daddy leaves the state and we make no contact.

I'm on my own... I knew I would be but now it's real. If I'm going to make this decision alone, I'm going to have to live with it alone. Fine by me!

I avoid telling my dad what I've decided. I know it was disrespectful to him but I just can't deal with anymore for now.