child care??

I find myself at a cross road, and right in the centre of an age old battle...

To childcare or not to childcare? Very good points on both side...

A baby needs her mum (especially when she doesn’t have a dad) BUT am I restricting my daughters quality of life but not getting back to work and starting the never ending road of saving for her future?

I am eternally grateful for my parents generosity in giving us somewhere to live but I don’t want to be here forever and I certainly don’t think that’s what they want either.

Part time work seems most logical for my situation because of the costs and time away from Peyton that it means for me while she is so young. But by the time you pay for childcare these days, it hardly seems worth it.

I didn’t have a baby to hand her over to strangers every day, especially at only 5 months old. I’ve worked in a childcare centre and I was a day care kid when I was young too so I’ve seen this from all directions. I know it’s necessary for some but it’s not for us.

A clairvoyant said to me last year that  I like to take the hard road, almost as if to prove that I’m capable of handling anything.

She’s right. But all I seem to do is prove that I take on too much.

 On top of needing to go back to work, at least 1 or 2 days a week, I’ve just enrolled into Open University to study for a long overdue Bachelors degree. I intend to do a majority of that study at night as to not take quality time away from Peyton which means working nights when my parents are home for easy babysitting is out.

I am a firm believer in mum and dad being grandparents, not full time sitters. They are supposed to enjoy the experience and I don’t want watching Peyton to become like work to them I’ve worked weekends since school so I’ve done my fair share of missing family functions too!

Mum works, much to her disgust, several days a week and lets’ face it, she’s not getting any younger. Being on her feet all day takes its toll and she looks forward to her time off. She does enough without watching my demanding child too. So working weekend and their days off is out too.

Being a sole parent, and a new one at that, I struggle to leave Peyton in the care of other people. First because she’s my responsibility and second because I can’t keep an eye on her. Does this get easier and time goes on? Or is it always this hard and I just have to learn to mask that fear?

Which bring us back to child care. My last resort becomes my only option. I’m not against it but its’ not ideal for us. Is work AND study putting too much pressure on me and everyone else? When I have such high expectations for my parenting ability.

I’ve made it my goal for this to not be hard on my loved ones because that was their big concern when they found out I was pregnant in the first place and this just makes things harder for me again.

I dread the words “you made your bed” over every decision I make from now on.

Howe much time away from mum is too much? How do I know she’s being treating the way I would expect of my only daughter?

Should I just pack it all in and stay home with her all the time?

But where does that leave our future?

If someone could tell me what the right thing to do for her is, that’d be great! Thanks!

safety first

I remember being pregnant and alone in my tiny apartment, probably eating leftovers for the 3^rd consecutive night. I was talking to my ever growing belly, as I often did.

We were watching the news, some horror story no doubt because I was thinking about how I was going to keep baby safe for its entire life.

It’s something I asked myself every day. It’s my job, my only job, to keep my baby happy and safe for as long as I have the power to do so.

It’s an obvious factor when you think about the role of a parent but when you’re holding your baby in your arms for the first time, and every day after that, it becomes an overwhelming reality.

The sudden urge to roll cage the car, security shutter every window and wrap my daughter in cotton wool for every day of her life seems anything but over the top. Laying awake through exhaustion doesn’t seem irrational If you’re doing it to listen out for bubs cries. It becomes a case of wanting to do more than you can. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little girl but then the discussion turns to “Where is the fine line between protecting your child and becoming an over protective parent?”

I don’t want my daughter to be naive to the dangers in the world but I don’t want to over expose her to unnecessary issues either. That page was obviously missing from the baby manual. Come to think of it. I’m seemed to have lost my copy... Anyone have a spare?

I read somewhere once “A mother’s love is an unrivalled force of nature” and I’ve probably mentioned it before. But this becomes more real for me every day, it takes on a new meaning every time I catch her before she falls, tell someone off for speaking inappropriately within her ear shot, growl at my dad for having violent shows on in her presence or try to protect her from the issues surrounding growing up in a single parent environment.  

Peyton’s father is my friend and I would like to think I don’t have to protect her from him but in some ways I do. From the values I hold dearly, that he seems to think are optional and acceptable to forget. -To his language and lack of paternal instincts.

That poor little girl is going to be used time and time again in trial and error situations and maybe in three or four babies’ time, I may have a better understanding of right from wrong. I wonder if its more common for the oldest child to more of train wreck than the youngest?

I spent my pregnancy nervous that I was going to be so out of tune with her needs and when she was finally born and I felt so at ease with most things because they just came naturally. I relaxed after that but now I find that the older she gets, the harder it is to know if what I’m doing is right.

I read over and over about the issues I write and parents can tell non-parents a million times. But until it’s your turn, those wonderful words of advice fall on deaf ears in a way. And now I find myself up shit creek so to speak. I have a paddle but I just haven’t figure out how to use the damn thing yet.

I fumble around this parenting thing like a 9ths grader getting to 2^nd base for the first time but as I did in high school, I intend to bluff my way through everything until I know what I’m doing. Here’s hoping Peyton doesn’t see straight through me!

Wish me luck!

Meeting Daddy

I called Baby daddy last week to arrange that catch up we've been talking about. He seems genuinely interesting in seeing up. WE plan to meet at a mutual friends BBQ on Australia day. Exactly 1 year since I saw him last. I wait all day, trying my hardest not to hold my breath incase he lets us down. WE text back an forth and i get about 5 "im on my way" texts over the course of the day. I send 1 back at 4pm "im leaving"
He calls, He's out the front. I head to out greet him and get a surprisingly big hug! WE head in and i introduce him to his daughter. We are both more than aware of all the eyes on us so we head out for a walk about some privacy. We showed a united front which kept our old crew off our backs and when we were finally alone her picked her up for a cuddle. He's impressed at her alertness, and of course, her cuteness.
We keep the visit low key and drama free. I make a few threats and points about what I expect. I've decided I'm happy for him to see her whenever he likes but he does it on my watch as I wont leave her in his care until I know he can put her safety and well being before his own. He's more than fine with that.

Im surprised at how please he seems to see me as well as her and we get along really well. He agrees that I'm doing a good job the way I am and doesn't stand in the way of my wishes and concerns. He listens to my points without arguement  and promises to respect my wishes. we make no plans other than another visit in a few weeks in a more personal environment and we call it a night.

I've been crisitised for being to lenient on Baby daddy as he should be accountable for his actions too. I'm also in the firing line for failing to apply for child support therefore Peyton being the one to suffer.
Left me make things very clear! My daughter goes without nothing!! She has more than everything she ever needs without being spoilt to over-compensate. I only Handle the baby daddy situation in ways I'm comfortable with and sacrifice nothing to suit him. Yes I make life easy for him but I'm happy to do it and it is NOT at mine or my daughters expense.
Yes I live at home but we are not and more dependent on Peytons Grandparents than anyone should be and I am here to help me connect to dots for the bigger picture. My parents DO NOT compensate what I sacrifice from Baby Daddy and both my living situation and my relationship with baby daddy is temporary until I decide what is best for Peyton.

Who needs men?

I decided that mum and I needed a holiday. I needed a big pat on the back for all the hard work I've put into the past few months an mum needed a thank you for all the support she's given me along the way. what a great opportunity to prove that we dont need the men in our lives to survive.
We pack the car and head north in the early hours of the morning with Peyton, Now 11weeks old, sleeping soundly in her car seat and the car fridge topped with redbull and our favourite lemon sherbert lollies.
The plan is to reach Geraldton and stop over night. We get to Gero a little after midday and feel alive enough to keep going. Peyton has been an angel, only waking for a bottle or a bum change so we would just pull over wherever we were at the time. We decided to keep going and make Monkey Mia by sunset making the drive 13 hours in total. 20mins out of town we realise to were tempting fate. Peyton was getting restless and we were losing steam fast. Too Bloody late! we keep going and arrive in Denham exhausted. It's hot and muggy, the flies are in the millions and Peyton has filled her nappy with sticky green stinky mess! poop is leaking from her pants, into her belly button, up her back and ALL over the carseat! Great!  We collapse exhausted and have a glass of wine on the deck and an early night. We agree to havea quiet day tomorrow.

Quiet day? me? yeah right? it was 0745 before I was chomping at the bit to get out of the hotel room and see something interesting. I take bub for a walk but being a sunday, the place is a ghost town. I'm sweaty, hungry and sore from being in the car so long but my Angel child is playing catch with the 20 flies on her face.
My mum is not a water/boat person and I'm way to self concious of my new mummy body to put on a swim suit so the next couple of days are filled with more site seeing (from the inside of ther car because of the heat and bugs) and more drinking. Certainly not the type of people you see at a caravan park. people too grossed out to leave the room. I should have just rented a room 10mins from home!
Everything aside, we're havinga great time. until.....


We are laying under a palm tree watching emus walk through the resort and dolphins swim by close to shore. the breeze is nice and the bugs are elsewhere so I comment how luck we are. Mum scolds me for jimxing it and I laugh it off.
An hour later we find ourself heading inland following the promise of a lagoon.
Sign says "20km's to lagoon, 2WD camping only"
2wd camping only? why aren't 4WD allowed to camp???
My god I'm a stupid Bitch! Sign MEANS..... 2WD don't go to lagoon, only go to camp site!!"
That aside, ourt Xtrail has a $wd button, we'll be fine. The track is bumpy but nothing serious and we arrive safe and sound. Getting out is another story.
The last 500m is super soft sand and I dont get enough speed going. Two ladies and a baby stuck in the sand!!
One car occupies the area and the driver is less than impressed with our lack of organisation, preperation and skill. I'm less that impressed with his attitude but will take any help I can get! He doesn't fail to remind me a dozen times that an Xtrail has no low range and I shouldn't be out here.
I'm normally not this stupid and my mum is normally super organised but the trip was last minute and suposed to be safe. Peytons due for a feed and I only have 1 bottle with me, no water and nothing to keep the sun from our skin. The sand is scortching, it's 40 degrees out and we both need to pee super bad!!We guard each others dignity and privacy and sneak off to the bush.

 We're trying to keep Peyton calm and our panic levels are getting high. Our car is blocking the only way out for the other car and letting our tires down and digging the dirt from under the car is doing sweet F A. Mum is red, sweaty, dirty and looks like she's about to have a heart attack. The cranky man is a walking heart attack him self and can only instruct us to do jobs that are way above our skill level.
He pulls his car arround to try and pull us out and gets stuck himself! not so clever now are you Arse Face!
His wife only seems annoyed her fishing trip was cut short. The digging continues and it breaks my heart to see my mum in such a state, her only concern keeping the heat, sun and flies off the baby.

I send mum to sit with the chief where ever she can find shade and I take the phone and begin to treck up a hill to find recepion. I'm preparing myself to walk back to the main road...
I get a crackly call through to our house answering machine but decide against leaving dad a scared meassage to call for help. I ring call connect and she patches me through to our hotel who promises to send help. Relief.
More good news! two real 4WD's are heading our way and I flag them down to pull arround the bush to avoid a colision. Cars full of good looking young Men. more importantly, young men with water and tow ropes. they pull arround and begin the slow process of frees us all... the land cruiser pulls the old couple out, then us. Mum and I wait under a tree feeding peyton and thanking our luck stars. We're informed that its rare for people to use this track, especially in the off season so we are luck to have found help! We begin to convoy out only to get stuck a second time. The land cruiser begins again and we are free an hour later. I'm happy to let this stranger drive us out, license or no license. We make it to the main road and stop for a well deserved drink (which old couple had all along.. thanks heaps!!)
We pull out with plans to meet at the pub so I can buy everyone a thank you round of beers but as if being left out, the patrol refuses to start.

The car needs a jump.... and I need a Zanex!

Telling Baby Daddy

Peyton was about 8wks old before I plucked up the courage to call Baby Daddy.

I assumed he already knew I’d had the baby because the rumour mill has been going at full speed the whole time. I set an email apologising for the intrusion of personal space and informing him that I’d had a baby girl on Sep 3^rd. I explained that in order to claim my centrelink benefits, I had to make reasonable efforts to claim child support. I feel uneasy about the statement. I don’t want Baby Daddy’s money. I don’t want his future to suffer because I chose to keep and raise MY baby. I don’t want him and his family to think I’m the kind of girl that is trying to take him for all he’s got.

I’ve been on cloud nine with my angel of as child for the last few weeks. She feeds, sleeps and plays so happily and I begin to wonder why people find this parenting thing so hard... Then we have a rough day and I 100% understand. I'm holding my breath for when she can walk and  talk. I’m sure I’ll get what I deserve then.

Anyway,  Baby Daddy texts a few days later thanking me for the time I’ve given him to process the information and congratulating me on the good job I was doing. Bullshit! I nearly don’t believe it. This is the guy who won’t tell his parents we have a baby, tells his friends it was a rumour and tells his ex the baby isn’t his. I’m thinking my patience and understanding to what HE is going through is paying off. I knew there was a reason I got involved with this guy the first place. Surely my judgement wasn’t that bad I won’t get involved with a total prick. HA! Well...

We call back an forth a few times in coming weeks in and adjust to our new relationship.Baby Daddy agrees to accept any wishes I may have and we decide to discuss further details in person at a later date! He's spend my whole pregnancy pretending this wasnt happening and now that It's real, I have to give him time to process the news. Time seems to be on his side. i've found patience for the first time in my life. I simply don't feel like I need him so what would I really be pushing him for? I dont want us to make choices that will effect ours and our daughters lives forever, too quickly and be stuck with bad choices. 

I'm living back at mum and dads to make live easier. I'm coping well but I'm loving seeing the joy it brings my family to see us all together again. Going home was NOT easy. My pride is thick and I have to prove to the world that I made the right choice and I'm coping with my decision. I simply couldn't handle an "I told you so".

I take the help I'm offered but I never ask for it.. (parenting NO NO number 1). I'm more financially independent than I was before I fell pregnant and I only make choices that are positives for Peyton. Everyone has more than accepted my new life but I just cant shake that feeling that I'm being judged. I make more sacrifices that I need to to give Peyton everything and I take every comment to heart in a big way. I'm working my ass off to be a better parent than ever, not only because that's what I want for the chief but because I have a point to prove.

You may have noticed me calling Peyton The Chief... to quickly explain.. From the second I found out I was having a baby, my whole world revolved around her needs. right down to what I ate when pregnant, she dictated every meal, every sleep and every decision. thus her name the Chief.

I'm waffling. we continue to wait....

My labour...

I head to my 40wk appointment on Friday Sep 2nd with Mum and cousin Mel (my labour support crew). The doctor completes a "stretch and sweep" which sounds as bad as it is. I hate doctors on the best of days and usually require sedation just for a simple appointment. My pregancy is proving to me and everyone else how strong I can be and i leave the docs feeling violated yet proud I didnt kick the bitch that just did that to me!
Shopping wasn't the best choice I made but i put the pains down to having someones hand jammed up inside me for half an hour and go about my day. Mum and I have driven up from Bunbury for todays appointment and I decide we should stay at my place in the city because I'm not up for the drive back.
I cook us dinner and put on a movie, ignoring the dull ache in my belly.
I can't however ignore the pop I felt or the leaking that followed. My water broke. It's 9pm and the movie just started. bugger! thats the least of my worries. I failed to acknowldge the labour process the whole way along because I truely believe that expectation will lead to disappointment when you cant control a situation and hyping up a stressful time will only make the fear real and the stress levels higher. So my water breaking sends me straight into shock and we call the hospital. If I hadn't have gone into shock I've have been told to stay home for now but lucky for me they called me in because my labourt was shorter than expected.

My contractions are long, painful and faster that I imagined as we pack the car. Mum takes a wrong turn and I yell at her, we are already half an hour from my hospital and wrong turns aren't part of what little plan I have. She informs me she want to return the video we hired.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!
I facebook the pending arrival and call Mel quickly to have her meet us straight away.

When we do arrive at the hospital the nurses are greeted by my vomitting on their doorstep. nice. Mum's trying to keep my jumper out the way and I scream at her that that's the least of our worries. Poor lady can't do anything right.

I'm admitted by 10pm and am checked at 6cm's. I take the offer of morphine and the poor doc with the needles cops a mouthful for taking to long to put in my drip!
I should have paid more attention at my classes cause nothing is keeping me calm or comfortable. Water feels like needles on my body, walking is impossible because I have no strength to stand and I'm a little too aware of how naked and fat I am!
That soon becomes the least of my worries.

I ask for the epidural and am refused because it's too last! SHIT! no one said anything about there being a too late.
My contractions are intense and I cried out of embarrasement because I wet myself. again... soon the least of my worries.
Having no idea how much time has passed I decide it feels better to push that to try to relax and babys heart rate drops. I'm forced to roll from my kneeling position to my back and the midwife tells me to get serious with my pushing! Ha! what a joke! as if I wasnt.
Then I begin to understand what she means and baby joins us in the world at 0210 on september 3rd 2010.
Weighing in at 7lb3oz and messuring 47cm I name my baby girl Peyton Alexis Josephine French and notice my favourite song "better be home soon" by crowded house is playing somewhere in the background.
When the nurse put my daughter on my chest I was overcome with sudden relaxation. no tears, no more than the feeling that this is exactly how this story should end. and the next one should begin.
Mum and Mel are crying but I would be too If I'd seen things from the angle they did! I'm just so happy to have my baby safe in my arms and begin to wonder how I am going to keep her safe for the rest of my life!

It's time to make a change

I made my bed, now I have to lay in it. I move off my friends couch and into my own place, I work, sleep, work, sleep and sleep some more while I figure out my next move. I live off a $15 weekly food budget so everything I earn can go to paying my debts. I want to start my new life with a clean slate and I'm going to have to rove myself quickly if I want some help.

I get to 20wks gestation and I'm debt free, working harder than ever and taking care of myself better than ever before. I've done my research, taken my classes, written countless lists, shopped up a storm and changed my way of thinking. I'm a selfish party animal turned caring family woman, spending all my time with those who matter and doing everything I can to make things right with those I've hurt with my bad choices.

My hard work is paying off. People are noticing the changes and understanding what I knew all along. I was meant to do this. (If I wasn't, the pill would have worked as it's supposed to).
I stick close to those who stood by me even though they didnt understand like my old friend Jenn, cousin Mel and mum and dad. My toughest critics become my biggest supporters and my baby belly is becoming my whole world.

I nearly killed me watching my family feel so disappointed and its a memory that will be with me forever. Was I really that lost in the moment that people have forgotten who I really am? How caring I am and what I think is really important in life. Apparently so! i've been on my bender for so long, everyone thought I was gone forever.

All the praise in the world for how far I've come wont erase those first few weeks but the past is the past and I have to believe that my family trust I'm doing the right thing.