safety first

I remember being pregnant and alone in my tiny apartment, probably eating leftovers for the 3^rd consecutive night. I was talking to my ever growing belly, as I often did.

We were watching the news, some horror story no doubt because I was thinking about how I was going to keep baby safe for its entire life.

It’s something I asked myself every day. It’s my job, my only job, to keep my baby happy and safe for as long as I have the power to do so.

It’s an obvious factor when you think about the role of a parent but when you’re holding your baby in your arms for the first time, and every day after that, it becomes an overwhelming reality.

The sudden urge to roll cage the car, security shutter every window and wrap my daughter in cotton wool for every day of her life seems anything but over the top. Laying awake through exhaustion doesn’t seem irrational If you’re doing it to listen out for bubs cries. It becomes a case of wanting to do more than you can. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little girl but then the discussion turns to “Where is the fine line between protecting your child and becoming an over protective parent?”

I don’t want my daughter to be naive to the dangers in the world but I don’t want to over expose her to unnecessary issues either. That page was obviously missing from the baby manual. Come to think of it. I’m seemed to have lost my copy... Anyone have a spare?

I read somewhere once “A mother’s love is an unrivalled force of nature” and I’ve probably mentioned it before. But this becomes more real for me every day, it takes on a new meaning every time I catch her before she falls, tell someone off for speaking inappropriately within her ear shot, growl at my dad for having violent shows on in her presence or try to protect her from the issues surrounding growing up in a single parent environment.  

Peyton’s father is my friend and I would like to think I don’t have to protect her from him but in some ways I do. From the values I hold dearly, that he seems to think are optional and acceptable to forget. -To his language and lack of paternal instincts.

That poor little girl is going to be used time and time again in trial and error situations and maybe in three or four babies’ time, I may have a better understanding of right from wrong. I wonder if its more common for the oldest child to more of train wreck than the youngest?

I spent my pregnancy nervous that I was going to be so out of tune with her needs and when she was finally born and I felt so at ease with most things because they just came naturally. I relaxed after that but now I find that the older she gets, the harder it is to know if what I’m doing is right.

I read over and over about the issues I write and parents can tell non-parents a million times. But until it’s your turn, those wonderful words of advice fall on deaf ears in a way. And now I find myself up shit creek so to speak. I have a paddle but I just haven’t figure out how to use the damn thing yet.

I fumble around this parenting thing like a 9ths grader getting to 2^nd base for the first time but as I did in high school, I intend to bluff my way through everything until I know what I’m doing. Here’s hoping Peyton doesn’t see straight through me!

Wish me luck!