child care??

I find myself at a cross road, and right in the centre of an age old battle...

To childcare or not to childcare? Very good points on both side...

A baby needs her mum (especially when she doesn’t have a dad) BUT am I restricting my daughters quality of life but not getting back to work and starting the never ending road of saving for her future?

I am eternally grateful for my parents generosity in giving us somewhere to live but I don’t want to be here forever and I certainly don’t think that’s what they want either.

Part time work seems most logical for my situation because of the costs and time away from Peyton that it means for me while she is so young. But by the time you pay for childcare these days, it hardly seems worth it.

I didn’t have a baby to hand her over to strangers every day, especially at only 5 months old. I’ve worked in a childcare centre and I was a day care kid when I was young too so I’ve seen this from all directions. I know it’s necessary for some but it’s not for us.

A clairvoyant said to me last year that  I like to take the hard road, almost as if to prove that I’m capable of handling anything.

She’s right. But all I seem to do is prove that I take on too much.

 On top of needing to go back to work, at least 1 or 2 days a week, I’ve just enrolled into Open University to study for a long overdue Bachelors degree. I intend to do a majority of that study at night as to not take quality time away from Peyton which means working nights when my parents are home for easy babysitting is out.

I am a firm believer in mum and dad being grandparents, not full time sitters. They are supposed to enjoy the experience and I don’t want watching Peyton to become like work to them I’ve worked weekends since school so I’ve done my fair share of missing family functions too!

Mum works, much to her disgust, several days a week and lets’ face it, she’s not getting any younger. Being on her feet all day takes its toll and she looks forward to her time off. She does enough without watching my demanding child too. So working weekend and their days off is out too.

Being a sole parent, and a new one at that, I struggle to leave Peyton in the care of other people. First because she’s my responsibility and second because I can’t keep an eye on her. Does this get easier and time goes on? Or is it always this hard and I just have to learn to mask that fear?

Which bring us back to child care. My last resort becomes my only option. I’m not against it but its’ not ideal for us. Is work AND study putting too much pressure on me and everyone else? When I have such high expectations for my parenting ability.

I’ve made it my goal for this to not be hard on my loved ones because that was their big concern when they found out I was pregnant in the first place and this just makes things harder for me again.

I dread the words “you made your bed” over every decision I make from now on.

Howe much time away from mum is too much? How do I know she’s being treating the way I would expect of my only daughter?

Should I just pack it all in and stay home with her all the time?

But where does that leave our future?

If someone could tell me what the right thing to do for her is, that’d be great! Thanks!

safety first

I remember being pregnant and alone in my tiny apartment, probably eating leftovers for the 3^rd consecutive night. I was talking to my ever growing belly, as I often did.

We were watching the news, some horror story no doubt because I was thinking about how I was going to keep baby safe for its entire life.

It’s something I asked myself every day. It’s my job, my only job, to keep my baby happy and safe for as long as I have the power to do so.

It’s an obvious factor when you think about the role of a parent but when you’re holding your baby in your arms for the first time, and every day after that, it becomes an overwhelming reality.

The sudden urge to roll cage the car, security shutter every window and wrap my daughter in cotton wool for every day of her life seems anything but over the top. Laying awake through exhaustion doesn’t seem irrational If you’re doing it to listen out for bubs cries. It becomes a case of wanting to do more than you can. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my little girl but then the discussion turns to “Where is the fine line between protecting your child and becoming an over protective parent?”

I don’t want my daughter to be naive to the dangers in the world but I don’t want to over expose her to unnecessary issues either. That page was obviously missing from the baby manual. Come to think of it. I’m seemed to have lost my copy... Anyone have a spare?

I read somewhere once “A mother’s love is an unrivalled force of nature” and I’ve probably mentioned it before. But this becomes more real for me every day, it takes on a new meaning every time I catch her before she falls, tell someone off for speaking inappropriately within her ear shot, growl at my dad for having violent shows on in her presence or try to protect her from the issues surrounding growing up in a single parent environment.  

Peyton’s father is my friend and I would like to think I don’t have to protect her from him but in some ways I do. From the values I hold dearly, that he seems to think are optional and acceptable to forget. -To his language and lack of paternal instincts.

That poor little girl is going to be used time and time again in trial and error situations and maybe in three or four babies’ time, I may have a better understanding of right from wrong. I wonder if its more common for the oldest child to more of train wreck than the youngest?

I spent my pregnancy nervous that I was going to be so out of tune with her needs and when she was finally born and I felt so at ease with most things because they just came naturally. I relaxed after that but now I find that the older she gets, the harder it is to know if what I’m doing is right.

I read over and over about the issues I write and parents can tell non-parents a million times. But until it’s your turn, those wonderful words of advice fall on deaf ears in a way. And now I find myself up shit creek so to speak. I have a paddle but I just haven’t figure out how to use the damn thing yet.

I fumble around this parenting thing like a 9ths grader getting to 2^nd base for the first time but as I did in high school, I intend to bluff my way through everything until I know what I’m doing. Here’s hoping Peyton doesn’t see straight through me!

Wish me luck!